| soo it has been about 4 months since this xanga has been touched but..
what the heck..ill write an entry for once..i have a lot to say...and i figure i can say whatever on here since noone ever reads these anymore...so... Things have been a rollarcoaster for me. (to say the VERY least) I had a wonderful last homecoming, a good halloween, thanksgiving, and most of Christmas Break.
Santa was nice to me  Along with all those wonderfulnesses, i lost Jeff.
Almost 2 years, and now nothing. Just Friends.
And it all happened so fast. I had i love yous and kisses and hugs, and then i blink, and had nothing.
I am completely against the whole decision, but...for once, there is literally nothing i can do to change his mind.
He doesnt want what we had anymore. No more girlfriend=no more relationship.
It all happened New Years Eve, and i was crushed.
I still am, and everyday is a struggle to tell myself he isnt mine anymore.
I felt like everything was perfect, and its when you get that feeling that it is all taken away.
well, seems to be that way at least....for me.
I just get too comfortable with situations and i find myself sitting there and saying, oh it wont happen to me, or, we can get through anything.
And being wrong, just sucks. No matter what.
I hate proving myself wrong even more than being wrong in general. And myself, and everyone else, always asks why im so negative and pessimistic, well there is a reason. The minute i let myself get hopes and feelings, they are just shot down and ripped away. Why get anxious for something that isnt going to happen? I hate being let down and dissapointed, more than anything in the world. Mostly, i hate letting myself down, and being my own dissapointment. I just wish i never would have gotten so attached, knowing that this would happen. And im bitter about it. Sadly, im bitter. I want so badly to hate him, and to not call him and never talk to him, and never forgive him for hurting me like this, but i cant. And even that is hurting me. My feelings just tell me to do the opposite. You cant help feelings, and you can very rarely stop or change them. Maybe that means something?
Im a believer that "everything happens for a reason" and everyone has a plan and all this but, why cant i be in control of what happens for reasons and what my plan is?! why does it seem like everyone else is doing it for me? I feel lost, but mostly, i feel helpless and confused. I don't know what to say, how to act, and what to do. And that, sucks. I guess everyone will have their heart broken at least once right? But...it IS my senior year, and i guess i just have to make the best of it. I have had an enormous amount of help from everyone, trying to get through this whole thing. And i dont know what i would do without friends. I just wish things could be different. And i dont know what the future holds, so maybe things will work out? but this time, im not getting my hopes up, i cant handle another let down. I just dont want to hurt anymore. I dont want to cry, and relfect. I just want to move on. Pick myself up. But that is my biggest challenge, and its going to be that way for a while im afraid. I just wish i knew what was going to happen... Ive gotten all the usuals, You can do better, he doesnt deserve you,hes an asshole, you guys will be fine, blah blah, and all those make me feel good for the time being, then i just sit and say well, i dont WANT better. What i want does not want me. Thats all there is to it. I dont care about him being an asshole, or him not deserving me, its all irrelevant. I just miss him. I miss a lot. I miss our fights, and laughs, and just sitting around, cuddling, I LOVE YOUS....all of it. We have just been through so much, i just dont see why we cant get through this too. There must be something there that i am not seeing. Something that we must NOT be able to get through. Maybe it is there, i just dont want to see it. I wont let myself. I want to give him space, and time, to figure everything out. But what is too much space? i dont want to lose him. i dont want him to think that im OK with this, ok with just being his friend. Because im not, and i cant see myself being ok with it anytime in the near future. Theres my trouble. I just wish there was something i could do to make him see that what we had was awesome, and worth it. But im just fooling myself. He wont ever want to be with me again, not when he knows he can have 983498 times more fun with all his friends. Nothing will make him miss me. I can be replaced. I probably already have been.....who noes Im just a mess right now. Im 900 different emotions and feelings, and i try to manage all of them, and its getting the best of me. I try and be strong, and tell myself i can do this, and there is just more pulling me down than there is pulling me up right now. I want jeff henry. i want our relationship back. i want to fight and makeup, and hug and kiss again. Urgh..well i suppose ive done enough rambling... ...<3
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